How to orgasm

Your body isn’t broken — the world just taught you the wrong things about pleasure.

Key Takeaways

• Most women don’t orgasm from penetration alone — biology isn’t built that way.

• You’re normal; your body is normal; pleasure isn’t a test you pass.

• Understanding your anatomy is the biggest game-changer.

• Pleasure is a system — not an accident.

• There are practical, doable steps you can try today.

Women are often told that orgasm should be effortless. That a magical combination of the “right partner,” the “right moment,” and the “right mood” will somehow unlock it. But here’s the inconvenient truth, most of what we’ve been taught about women’s pleasure is built on myths, porn scripts, and guesswork, not biology.

The real story is far more interesting and far more empowering.

This guide breaks down how orgasm actually works, why so many women feel like they’re “missing something,” and what you can do to build a pleasure system that works for your body.

Let’s reclaim this topic with clarity, curiosity, and zero shame.

Context & Why It Matters

Orgasm is a physiological response driven for women by the clitoris. An amazing organ with more than 8,000 nerve endings which extend across and around the vagina, urethra, and pelvic floor. You wouldn’t know that from mainstream conversations though which are usually focused on penetration!!

Here’s the biological reality, only 18–25% of women reliably orgasm from vaginal penetration alone, according to decades of sexual health research (e.g., studies by the Kinsey Institute and the Women’s Health Research Institute). That means 75–82% do not. Not because we are “difficult.” Not because we are “thinking about the to do list”, but because the clitoris sits externally and therefore penetration often misses the spot!!! (FYI It is all about girth not length).

When women don’t understand their anatomy, they often blame themselves. They think they’re “slow,” “too complicated,” or “not sexual enough.” In reality, they and their partners just haven’t been taught how it all works.

Pleasure is not an innate skill you magically possess. It’s learned and fortunately learnable.

Myth 1: “If you can’t orgasm from penetration, something’s wrong.”

Biologically incorrect.
Penetration stimulates the vaginal walls, which have fewer nerve endings compared to the clitoris. Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm — through external touch, a vibrator, or indirect pressure.

Myth 2: “You should be able to orgasm quickly.”

Research shows the average orgasm time for women takes 20–40 minutes of ‘warm-up’ and stimulation. There is no universal timeline, you are not a microwave.

Myth 3: “Everyone else finds this easy.”

Not true. Large-scale studies in Australia, the US, and Europe consistently show that 30–40% of women struggle to orgasm during partnered sex and around 10–15% find orgasm difficult to reach at all. You are normal.

How to orgasm — A 5-Step System

1. Diagnose: Identify the friction (LOL) points

Ask yourself:
• Are you receiving enough clitoral stimulation?
• Does anxiety, pressure, or time stress creep in?
• Does your body feel warm, lubricated, and responsive?
• Is your pelvic floor tense, tired, or under-supported?
• Are your hormones impacting arousal? (Common in perimenopause/ postpartum)

You are not fault-finding, you’re collecting data.

2. Define: Get clear on the outcome you want

This isn’t “how do I fix myself?” It’s “what kind of pleasure experience do I want?”

Examples:

• “I want to feel more relaxed and in control.”

• “I want to explore my clitoris without rushing.”

• “I want to understand what type of pressure or rhythm I like.”

• “I want to orgasm more consistently.”

Clarity reduces performance pressure.

3. Design: Build the system that supports your body

Great pleasure has components:

• Environment — warm, private, sensory-friendly.

• Tools — hands, lubricant, or a beginner-friendly external vibrator.

• Knowledge — anatomy, stimulation types (circular, up-down, tapping, pressure).

• Rituals — breathing, slow start, pelvic floor relaxation.

• Communication — boundaries and requests phrased simply.

4. Deliver: Test the system gently

Start with slow exploration.

• Try one variable at a time: pressure, rhythm, angle, vibration, speed.

• Notice what builds sensation without rushing toward climax.

• Orgasm is a process — your body loves patterns and predictability.

5. Develop: Iterate, normalise, refine

Bodies change with age, hormones, stress, and cycles. What worked at 25 may not work at 45.
Treat pleasure as a system that evolves — not a static skill you either “have” or “don’t.”

Go Forth and Experiment

REFERENCES

1. Lloyd, E. A. (2005). The Case of the Female Orgasm: Bias in the Science of Evolution.
Harvard University Press.
(Lloyd analyses anatomical and evolutionary research showing that most women do not orgasm from penetration alone, challenging long-held cultural assumptions.)

2. Kinsey Institute — “Female Sexual Response” Research Summaries.
Indiana University. https://kinseyinstitute.org
(Decades of data from diverse population studies demonstrating that the majority of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm.)

3. Hite, S. (1976). The Hite Report: A Nationwide Study on Female Sexuality.
Dell. https://www.sherehite.org/all-posts/

(Famous large-scale report with thousands of respondents; consistently shows that penetration alone is not the primary orgasm pathway for most women.)

4. O’Connell, H. E., Sanjeevan, K. V., & Hutson, J. M. (2005). “Anatomy of the Clitoris.” Journal of Urology, 174(4).
https://doi.org/10.1097/01.ju.0000170234.14640.da
(Australian research mapping the internal structure of the clitoris — foundational for understanding female orgasm.)

5. Brotto, L., & Laan, E. (2015). “Psychophysiological Assessment of Female Sexual Function.” Journal of Sexual Medicine, 12(6).
https://doi.org/10.1111/jsm.12852
(Explores the multidimensional nature of women’s sexual arousal and orgasm, including the role of stress, context, and anatomy.)

6. NHS — Female Sexual Problems Overview.
https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/female-sexual-problems/
(Plain-language, evidence-based summaries of orgasm difficulties and causes.)

7. WHO — Sexual Health Overview.
https://www.who.int/health-topics/sexual-health
(Defines sexual health holistically, linking pleasure, comfort, wellbeing, and rights.)